I MESSED UP TODAY!

Although I cooked desserts for Thanksgiving, I am more upset about what I did this morning.  Early.  I ate an apple fritter! That was breakfast, and it should not have happened.

The desserts over Thanksgiving were not as sugary and as high in carbohydrates as this one apple fritter!

Why did I do it?  What happened?

For me, it is a big struggle. But for the most part, I am doing pretty good.  Yet today, it wasn’t a matter of taking a little taste of this or that, or a little piece of a little something something.  It was a full-fledged FALL! 

As I wrote a few days ago, this journey of diabetes is also one of huge emotions in drastic proportions.  Last night, I had a fall in my house.  Yep, I fell down.  I tripped.  I stumped my toe on a step and fell to the floor.  I fell pretty hard.  It was painful then, and this morning I woke up in even more pain throughout my body.  Well, I overslept this morning because I just couldn’t seem to get up.  Therefore, I was late in getting my daughter up for school and outdoors to catch the bus on time.  I heard the bus passing her by.  So, I managed to get myself up and dressed and drove my daughter to school. 

Coming back home, there is this wonderful bakery along the way.  Why couldn’t I just keep driving past it?  I’ve passed it many times before, but this morning I took the time to find a parking spot, park, go out in the cold just to buy some donuts (and that big apple fritter that I ate).  And ate it I did.  Came home and warmed it in the microwave, got a small glass of milk, and ate it like a crack head in a crack house!

I’ll be honest.  It brought me instant gratification.  It felt good, and it absolutely tasted good.  It is something that I have been denied for quite some time.

I really sound like an addict, don’t I?

Perhaps I am.  Perhaps that’s why this journey is always such a struggle for me.  Again I ask the question, why can’t I just be “normal”?

I fell – twice.  Once, on the floor last night, and once this morning by eating that apple fritter.  I know that I was really upset about the fall last night.  I was achy, and quite frankly, embarassed.  This morning, the fall with the fritter licked some emotional wounds.  Yet, now, a new set of emotional pain has surfaced.  What a rollercoaster!

Well, whatever. I guess I need to make sure that I now pull myself back up and bring some control back to my life.

Help me Lord!

Carla Y. Nix

THE FOURTH MAN

This is a repost. Originally written on March 3, 2008 –

The Fourth Man – (My God is Able)

He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.”  ~Daniel 3:25 (ESV)

 

Carla Y. Nix

Looking at me today, you would never know that I was once a scrawny little girl who was shy and often afraid of others.  I was the girl that was teased and bullied in school because I was so timid and meek and the other kids knew that they could push me around.  I was once very skinny (“skin and bones” was once a description for me), I always had these large “buck” eyes, and at one point I even had “buck” teeth.  I was also the kid who was always picked last for teams at school.  The team captains hoped and prayed that I did not end up on their team.

 

All of this was very painful for me.  I very seldom talked about the torture I endured and the heaviness of my heart.  I just stayed to myself as best I could and wondered if I would ever be “normal” and fit in.

THERE’S A PURPOSE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE

I am not a cold weather person.  I truly, truly, most definitely detest the cold and dreary atmosphere of Winter.  I don’t normally enjoy Autumn either.  However, I do love the beautiful vibrant natural colors that we see on the leaves on trees, and on the ground.

My personality is such that I am pretty much an extremist.

NO MORE PONYTAILS!

Well, that’s what Tiffanie fussed at me about over the Thanksgiving holiday.  She said that it’s time for me to stop combing Anaiah’s hair like a “baby”.  Tiff says to stop putting her hair in ponytails. 

Anaiah has an extremely thick head of hair, and it’s pretty long.  With the nerve damage in my right arm/hand, it’s a lot more difficult for me to handle her hair as I used to.  We fight most every morning as I get her ready for school.  Tiffanie reminded me that when she was Anaiah’s age (11), she was learning to comb her own hair.  But, that was because Anaiah was just a newborn baby.  I agree, and remember, that Tiff had to learn to do a lot of things at that time. 

I HEARD MY NAME

An interesting thing happened the other night/morning.  It wasn’t the first time its happened either.  I heard my name!  I heard somebody calling me.  CAR-LA!