Carla Y. Nix

Walking In My Purpose

I MESSED UP TODAY!

Posted by hashiki on December 3, 2008

Although I cooked desserts for Thanksgiving, I am more upset about what I did this morning.  Early.  I ate an apple fritter! That was breakfast, and it should not have happened.

The desserts over Thanksgiving were not as sugary and as high in carbohydrates as this one apple fritter!

Why did I do it?  What happened?

For me, it is a big struggle. But for the most part, I am doing pretty good.  Yet today, it wasn’t a matter of taking a little taste of this or that, or a little piece of a little something something.  It was a full-fledged FALL! 

As I wrote a few days ago, this journey of diabetes is also one of huge emotions in drastic proportions.  Last night, I had a fall in my house.  Yep, I fell down.  I tripped.  I stumped my toe on a step and fell to the floor.  I fell pretty hard.  It was painful then, and this morning I woke up in even more pain throughout my body.  Well, I overslept this morning because I just couldn’t seem to get up.  Therefore, I was late in getting my daughter up for school and outdoors to catch the bus on time.  I heard the bus passing her by.  So, I managed to get myself up and dressed and drove my daughter to school. 

Coming back home, there is this wonderful bakery along the way.  Why couldn’t I just keep driving past it?  I’ve passed it many times before, but this morning I took the time to find a parking spot, park, go out in the cold just to buy some donuts (and that big apple fritter that I ate).  And ate it I did.  Came home and warmed it in the microwave, got a small glass of milk, and ate it like a crack head in a crack house!

I’ll be honest.  It brought me instant gratification.  It felt good, and it absolutely tasted good.  It is something that I have been denied for quite some time.

I really sound like an addict, don’t I?

Perhaps I am.  Perhaps that’s why this journey is always such a struggle for me.  Again I ask the question, why can’t I just be “normal”?

I fell – twice.  Once, on the floor last night, and once this morning by eating that apple fritter.  I know that I was really upset about the fall last night.  I was achy, and quite frankly, embarassed.  This morning, the fall with the fritter licked some emotional wounds.  Yet, now, a new set of emotional pain has surfaced.  What a rollercoaster!

Well, whatever. I guess I need to make sure that I now pull myself back up and bring some control back to my life.

Help me Lord!

Carla Y. Nix

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One Response to “I MESSED UP TODAY!”

  1. You can do this…do not beat yourself up too bad…we all fall down…get back up and enjoy life…find something that is good for you to replace the items that are not so good for you. It is not easy, I know it is not but you can do it my sister – you can! We are in this together! AMEN!!

    I am a sugar queen – if there is sugar in it – I am going to eat it – if there is no sugar in it then I do not want it! But I am determined to make it and get this weight off and fight the Lupus, and Thyroid things that also seem to hinder the diabetic side.

    I will continue to be praying for you…you can do this in Jesus – He is there for you too my sister! AMEN!

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