Carla Y. Nix

Walking In My Purpose

Blah!

Posted by hashiki on September 23, 2008

That’s how I’m feeling right now.  Really feeling low and somewhat defeated.  It’s not a good feeling.  I don’t like this word, but to be honest, I feel hopeless.  Hopeless wrapped up with worthlessness.  I’m doing my best to rise up from this slump, yet reality continues to stare in my face, knocking me back down. 

It seems that no matter how hard I work, or how hard I try, or how much I give of myself, it just isn’t enough.  It just doesn’t work.  I’ve come to realize and face my limitations, but I also know my capabilities.  My capabilities are not enough, at least as far as benefiting my family.

My capabilities do not seem to spark interest from others.  I am not benefiting in that way.  I guess I’m bumbed out because the fact remains that I am not, have not, and cannot (it seems) make any money.  What I’ve discovered is that perhaps people are interested in my work, but they’re more interested in their own work so that they can make money themselves.  I fault no one for that, I understand it.  They won’t/don’t buy my work, but definitely try to push theirs.  I have supported and helped so many in so many ways, yet for myself, I have nothing to show for it.  This is getting to me in a way now.

I also realize the difference.  The difference, that is, between me and so many others.  Although I’m passionate and love my work, I am not cut-throat, aggressive, self-centered, dollars-driven, etc.  This may sound harsh, yet I’m really not putting anyone else down.  I just know that I am not like that and for me, my work is more than just dollar signs.  It’s me.  It’s who I am.  It’s who I was born to be and born to do.  You can’t put a price on that.  But, in reality, it’s the ones who are able to sell themselves that make the money.  I seem to be a failure at that.

I know that I am also not one who is even interested in making “quick” bucks (you know, get-rich-quick rip offs!).  I am not one who want to grab as many people as I can to get them to buy something in order for me to profit.  Not saying anything is wrong with that if that’s what others do.  I just know deep down that it’s not me.

As a result – I am where I am.  No where!

My love, my joy, my passion is being a blessing to others.  Inspiring them.  Teaching them.  Supporting them.  Encouraging them.  Building them.  Lifting them.  Empowering them.  That’s me!  And I often simply give (well, not often, but always) myself as opposed to trying to sell them something monetarily. 

I don’t feel bad about that because that is from my heart and it is who I am.  However, there are days like today….. when we struggle……when I couldn’t even give my child 4 quarters this morning for school because my wallet only has lint………when I see my husband killing himself by working 12 hours a day on very little appropriate rest……when I am so full of ideas and can’t wait to write, but then lose all momentum because of reality……when my own body is racked with pain……when the hurt and depression seeps in…. on these days are when I question everything, but most of all I cry and can only summarize the state I’m in as BLAH!

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7 Responses to “Blah!”

  1. lisa Hill said

    Well, it gets like that sometime and I know exactly how you are feeling. Now I learned that, when I feel like that, I start singing to myself, God is working it out for me” over and over until my spirit is lifted up. And the next thing I know a blessing comes my way. And another thing its working out for your good. Do you remember a verse in the Bible, that Paul says that we are carry about like sheep to the slater? Well that is your flesh that is dying and your spirit is rising so that you will walk more in the spirit then the flesh. Believe me, you will see the different. Keep your head up and know that God is working it out for you.

  2. How are you trying to make money? Online?

  3. hashiki said

    Allen – Yes, that’s one way. See my link here under BOOKS. http://www.carlaynix.wordpress.com/books Also, read the link here About Carla Y. Nix and learn more about me and what I do.

  4. hashiki said

    Lisa,

    Thank YOU!!!

    Carla

  5. Carla – I’ve been in a similar place recently…work every day, published a book, tried the online business, tithe, serve and minister the Gospel and I found myself struggling in my finances as well…and I prayed and asked God for some revelation because we have a covenant, and I’m His child and I KNOW that he has not left me. God used my Pastor to deliver a timely and encouraging word through the scripture passage below.

    1 Kings 17
    1 And Elijah the Tishbite, who was of the inhabitants of Gilead, said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word.

    2 And the word of the LORD came unto him, saying,

    3 Get thee hence, and turn thee eastward, and hide thyself by the brook Cherith, that is before Jordan.

    4 And it shall be, that thou shalt drink of the brook; and I have commanded the ravens to feed thee there.

    5 So he went and did according unto the word of the LORD: for he went and dwelt by the brook Cherith, that is before Jordan.

    6 And the ravens brought him bread and flesh in the morning, and bread and flesh in the evening; and he drank of the brook.

    7 And it came to pass after a while, that the brook dried up, because there had been no rain in the land.

    8 And the word of the LORD came unto him, saying,

    9 Arise, get thee to Zarephath, which belongeth to Zidon, and dwell there: behold, I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain thee.

    10 So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city, behold, the widow woman was there gathering of sticks: and he called to her, and said, Fetch me, I pray thee, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.

    11 And as she was going to fetch it, he called to her, and said, Bring me, I pray thee, a morsel of bread in thine hand.

    12 And she said, As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.

    13 And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou hast said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me, and after make for thee and for thy son.

    14 For thus saith the LORD God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the LORD sendeth rain upon the earth.

    15 And she went and did according to the saying of Elijah: and she, and he, and her house, did eat many days.

    16 And the barrel of meal wasted not, neither did the cruse of oil fail, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake by Elijah.

  6. hashiki said

    Daphne — You’re the second person to share this message.

    Thank YOU!

    Carla

  7. Jim Turner said

    Carla,
    Sometimes it’s good to ‘cry out’ like this. It clears/cleans the soul of anger and frustration. You’re going through what’s very typical in business. It’s like, God is saying, you need to get to a point where ur totally dependent upon me and not urself and I will pour out blessings upon you and you will give me all the praise & glory.

    Don’t give up – keep pressing forward.

    Jim

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