Carla Y. Nix

Walking In My Purpose

THE LIVES THAT NEVER WERE

Posted by hashiki on September 10, 2008

I had an interesting conversation with Anaiah (my 10 year old daughter) this morning as I combed her hair for school.  I don’t know why or how this particular subject came up, but it did.  We ended up talking about the names that were selected for my children should they have been another gender.

See, unlike most expectant parents today, I did not know the gender of my babies until they were born.  When Jerry and Tiffanie were born in 1985 and 1987, routine ultrasounds were not conducted.  They were only done as a part of treatment, I suppose, if something was wrong during the pregnancy.  When I was pregnant with Anaiah in 1997, I did have regular ultrasounds because my pregnancy was considered a high risk one.  I was OLD – (smile)  – I was 35 during the pregnancy, turned 36 less than a week after the birth.  But, I also had hypertension by then as well.

I’d asked my doctor and the technicians NOT to expose to me what the baby’s gender was.  I didn’t want to know.  In my mind, it didn’t make sense to “invade” on God’s mystery for my own personal satisfaction.  I knew that it was a baby, and that the baby was healthy and well, that’s all that mattered.  Besides, to know the gender in advance for me just took something precious and special away from the expectancy.

At any rate, two sets of names were selected for each baby.  So, Anaiah asked me who would’ve been what if they were another gender.

Jerry Jr. (May 30, 1985) name selected if female was Jovan (I hadn’t decided upon a middle name, guess I would have thought of something at birth).  I’m thinking I would’ve selected “Laura” as a middle name – Laura was my mother’s name.

Tiffanie Laura (January 1, 1987) name selected if male was Justin Houston.  “Houston” is my mother’s maiden name and I’ve always loved the name. 

Nia Imani – No other name was ever selected.  Nia was my third pregnancy, but I miscarried and never carried my baby to term.  Her due date was December 1, 1994.

Anaiah Tobias Young (October 16, 1997) name selected if male was Josiah Tobias.  Aniah has two middle names.  I decided to add “Young” as the 2nd middle name because that is my maiden name and I wanted the name to carry on.  I don’t think that there will be anymore “Young’s” – My father was an only boy.  My brother Michael has children, but he has only one natural son.  That son has three daughters.  My other brother, Ira, has no children.

Having this discussion with Anaiah made me think about my two sons and one daughter that never were.  Yet, I do consider Nia, the baby that I lost, as one who did have life.  She just never lived.  For I know and believe that life begins at conception.  I do think of her often and think about how I believe she would have looked (I see an older Anaiah).  She would be 13 years old now.  She is still a part of us, she is my daughter, she is my flesh and blood, she is my family.  Her name is in the family Bible.  Though she is not here with me, she is still very tangible to me.  I believe that she is in heaven.

But I can’t help but think about Jovan Nix, Justin Nix, and Josiah Nix (what is it with me and the “J’s”?! – I never even realized this before).  Obviously, these lives and personalities were not to be.  But, Jerry Jr., Tiffanie, and Anaiah were!

So were you and I!  Whether parents know the gender of their babies before birth or not, whomever God designed and formed was meant to be!  He’s given us life.  We have an obligation to live our lives to the fullest and for God’s glory.  We have a responsibility to do and become all that He has designed us to be.  I like the word “designed”.  See, we’re not happenstance.  We’re not an “oops!”  We’re not a mistake.  Even if conception took place under circumstances that weren’t ideal or the best, God still designed and formed that life in the mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5). 

I can wonder about the lives that never were; those that could have been my children.  But, I think the sad thing would be to wonder about a life that was born, but never lived as it was designed.  In my daily inspirational podcasts (voice blog) today (9/10/08), I speak about the importance of not simply going through the motions in life.  Live your life purposefully and as God specifically wired you! 

Don’t be a life that never was.

Blessings!

Carla

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